Aaaaand - the last one of 6 for the current group members. As mentioned, asked everyone to write 2 paragraphs about their assumed interview with the Academy and we dressed it up here. I also had each person write 1 interview with an alternate character that did not come. This was Kovid / Dwarf.
Follows:
KOVID
“Blessed Corfard, are you awake?”
~ “Indeed I am, Adept.”
“What is it you are doing?”
~ “Tying to ping the Spy’s location on my GPS.”
“Oh…The wonders of the celestial realm are unfathomable, Great One.”
~ “So I’ve been told. Grrr, can’t get the packet to go through.”
“Do you need me to make a bigger hole? Or will your Blessedness require a smaller package?”
~ “No, Adept. Neither will resolve this. Forget it, I will dispatch word to the K’bolds tonight to find the sleeping lair of these ridiculous interlopers once and for all and then send a troupe of my Guardians to suss them out.”
“And the package needs to be smaller because you won’t need as much.”
~ “Not quite, Adept. But that matters not. It is time for us to delve once more into the time of things that were and this time we are going to learn the origins of the most stoic and rock-minded of the adventuring group.”
“The moron, Blessed One?”
~ “Hahahaha! Very funny, Adept. Yes the moron. Also known as the dwarf.”
“Ah! That was my second guess.”
~ “Dwarves are known to be notorious closet crossdressers and have penchant for buggery. It’s why they like being in tight caves all the time.”
“The goblins refer to dwarves as Bearded Sausages.”
~ “Adept, the goblins are known to eat their own feces if hungry enough. Don’t listen to much to them.”
“Understood, Blessed One.”
~ “It’s best if you just give them a wide berth. Have a conversation with the Hobgoblins if you must converse with a greenskin. Less likely chance that you’ll be forced to dumb yourself down to discuss anything other than navel lint and itchy skin patches.
“I will.”
“Now, for the last time, I will push my divine will beyond the pale of this mortal realm and cast my mind’s eye backwards to the time of Kovid Manslayer XIX and his treatment with the Academy…BEHOLD!”
The chamber quivered with unbridled energy and a rumble of thunder filled the room as a burst of electricity tore from the cloudless sky above and stroked down to blast the floor of the great room, the reek of ozone and promising rain filling the air. Through the spasming rip, a hole could be seen and in it a well lit room with a half dozen older men and women standing about, and armored dwarf with twin war hammers was standing at attention.
“Such wonders.”
~ “You should see me at parties.”
“I can only dream.”
~ “Let me power this down, I lose 3 bars easy from interference of the etherflow and even though my divine will is limitless, I am never sure if a filtering through the vault of time counts as a roaming charge.”
“I will go with you, Blessed one, if you are looking to go somewhere.”
~ “Hmm, I’m not even going to unpack that answer. It’s just not worth it. Let us listen to the dwarf.”
"So, Kovid Manslayer XIX, what makes you the best candidate out of the other choices to be entrusted with this mission? Why you?"
“Blessed One? The Academy does not have any dwarves on its hiring board yet they are looking to interview this one. Are they qualified to do such?”
~ “I assume there is a battery of questions that the ask standard. Things that they look for. Beard? Axe of Hammer? Accent? Height or lack thereof? Most dwarves are interchangeable, like large sacks.”
“Blessed One?”
~ “Sure. You know you need a bag to hold something but your choices are burlap, leather, or woven sisal. Which do you choose?”
“I do not know, Blessed Corfard.”
~ “That’s the point. It doesn’t matter. Just pick one. It’s a large sack. Dwarves are the same way, for all their individuality and edgy origins, they are all hairy, mopey, taciturn, axe or hammer using fighter types with a glandular condition and an open seat at the corner bar.”
“Huh! I never realized that.”
~ “Prejudice and bigotry are there for a reason, Adept. Shortcuts to help you come to the same conclusion careful thought, study, and conversation would have led you to anyway. Let us listen.”
“I spoke to the councilors about the obvious reasons to choose a dwarf fighter…”
“Blessed One? I hear the voice, but I do not see Kovid specifically saying these words.”
~ “Ugh. Same as the issue with the Token Female, we do not have the actual record of Kovid’s conversation. Instead we have this voice over work going on instead.
“It certainly seems sketchy, Blessed One.”
~ “Dwarves will always do things the hard way if given a chance. Why take 4 steps to do something when 17 is so much better? Let us rewind and listen to this ‘voice over’.”
“I spoke to the councilors about the obvious reasons to choose a dwarf fighter: stone craft knowledge, dark vision, war hammer expertise, etc.. Sigh, none of it were really taken into account this time.”
~ “And there we have a dwarf listing his skills and selling points and I’m sure that if we were to put 5 dwarves in a room, we’d get the same list.”
“And a place to watch 5 dwarves argue over a single mug of beer.”
~ “What beer?”
“The one I would put in the room before hand to watch 5 dwarves get into a fight over, Blessed Corfard.”
~ “Excellent. Good idea.”
“The board mainly chose me for my name. I think ‘Manslayer’ really got into their heads. They bought into the local legend I was some kind of murder machine.”
“So do you think he never killed anyone before, Blessed One?”
~ “I doubt it, Adept. Killing for a dwarf is right after drinking, counting gold, feasting, and proper beard grooming.”
“‘I’ve heard you’ve killed hundreds single handedly’ they said. I tried to explain the history of my given surname but they didn’t listen. And if they did, they didn’t care.”
“It seems Blessed Corfard was correct. The Academy was looking for something different regarding dwarves in order to pick one.”
~ “You have to admit, Manslayer is a kick ass sounding surname.”
“It does summon something, Blessed One.”
“‘Whatever, whatever, it’s MARKETING!’ one board member said. ‘The name ALONE will help with the other recruiting efforts’. ‘It’s fabulous’ another member said. They were giddy about the possibility of a one-man army joining ‘their team’ and it would be great for ‘their numbers’. At that point I gave up and just let them talk.”
~ “Hmm, even this dwarf doesn’t seem to like the idea of being singled out for something as shallow as him name. Probably wanted to show them his interest in horticulture or the strange rope like scar on his left ankle.”
“You know those things, Blessed Corfard?”
~ “What? No, I’m only throwing it out, conjecture.”
“Blessed Corfard, you should always be careful when throwing out conjuring, you might hit someone.”
~ “Save me, please.”
“Tell me what I must do.”
~ “Never mind.”
“In the end, I got the job and I felt I could do it well enough, so what’s the difference in why I was hired, right?”
The image in the display froze and the voice went silent.
~ “So, this dwarf was in the group merely because of his name and not because of his skill, capabilities, or anything else.”
“Didn’t you say that all dwarves were interchangeable? Does it matter?”
~ “Hmm, perhaps not. I would still like to know about the others who did not get in the party.”
“So…again, Blessed One?”
~ “Yes. Once more, I bend the world to flex around my will and send to the cascaded myriad past to reveal to us the other dwarven applicant who was to join the party…BEHOLD!”
The image shifted a bit to show another dwarf standing there, hand pointed out the door, a tall spear in his free hand and a scornful expression on his face.
“Blessed One! A spear! A spear!”
~ “Excellent! There is a dwarf who really knows how to push the boundaries. Let us listen to him and see what he had to offer to the Academy.”
"Honestly even if you don't pick me, you can't pick that schmuck I heard babbling on about himself before me.”
~ “Oh, I see.”
“What, Blessed One?”
~ “This is the last type of dwarf. The angry dwarf. Most party members do not one of these travelling with them.”
“Aren’t all dwarves angry?”
~ “On some level, Adept. But there is an acceptable level and “loud dwarf” often gets them disqualified. Let us listen.”
“He compared himself to a rock... what, five times? Why do they always talk about rocks? What's so great about ROCKS. Besides being DENSE, it does NOTHING.”
“This one appears to have an open flask in its hand.”
~“I would surmise that this dwarf went to his interview drunk and angry. I am seeing why he was not picked.”
“Hah, good with a bow and like a rock. Rocks can't shoot bows, am I right? I'd pay GOOD money to see a rock shoot a bow one day."
“I almost feel bad for him, Blessed One. He is not aware of how poorly he is interviewing, is he?”
~ “No Adept. I would say he is oblivious and yet he still rambles on.”
"What was that guy even? A ranger or something? Anyone can shoot a bow... is a ranger really necessary? I mean... yea I guess someone to guide you through the wilderness - but that's what maps are for. Maps and people with common sense. I'm telling you know, I can't work with someone who constantly talks about rocks, their beard and booze."
The image froze and then the hole crackled and closed up.
“Blessed Corfard, perhaps when dwarves are ‘alike’ that is better that if you are the dwarf that ‘stands out’.”
~ “Very true, Adept. As a great person once said, ‘Fat, Drunk, and Stupid is no way to go through life.”
“Sounds like a wise man, Blessed One.”
~ “He was.”
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