Follows:
LANNIS
Yes, I would harbor to guess that it would leave a rash if you left it in. Oh, we’re back? Hello all. This is Gowan Sukiht, K’bold reporter coming to you once again the with next piece in our program concerning the Fuckwit Adventuring Party © and the denizens that make up their group. We’ve spoken to the hairy, the brainless, and the titless, and now its time for us to talk to the least liked member of the troupe, the Magic User. For those who don’t know, the Magic User, sometimes referred to as the Wizard, is the weakest member of the group. Think of the shaman but strip away the ability to defend yourself, fight, or be a conduit for our god to help and heal those around you.
I’m sure you’re wondering then, what kind of person would waste their time with being the Magic User? Well, we’re going to talk to the waste in questions: Lannis Offop. Lannis, I’d say it’s nice to talk to you, but I would be lying.
“Ah, so this is real.”
More or less.
“Obviously, somewhat less moreso.”
Oh, aren’t you a smart one.
“Coming from a kobold mouthpiece like yourself, I just don’t care or imaging that your mediocre opinion matters in the slightest. I guess if I had gotten hit in the head a few times and adopted an X chromosome, I would give half a shit what you or any other miscreant thinks. So for now, lets pretend to mutual dislike one another and have a conversation where one of us is a moron and the other is putting up with this interview, ok?”
Um…ok.
“Don’t get involved in a game of wits when you’re missing half the pieces from the box set.”
I’d say stop talking, but it’s obviously the only way the hot air escapes your swollen head.
“Looking forward to using your skull as a hat later.”
You are talking pretty tough, aren’t you. I imagine you think you’re like a man…but obviously with a smaller dick.
“Wow, right to my junk?”
Might as well, no one else is getting any use of it. So, Magic User, huh? I guess there were no more spots open for Jester or Leper open so you were looking for the 3rd most useless thing to be.
“Worse, I could have been born a kobold!”
Ouch, right in the feels. So, since we are stuck talking about you, why don’t you impress up with your wonderfulness.
“Gladly. I’ll have you know that besides my cosmos spanning brain, I’m also the tallest member of the party, standing at 6’ tall.”
We noticed. Thought Abraxas was going to be taller.
“I know, right? Weird.”
He does outweigh you.
“Um, I am pushing about 145 lbs, you know.”
Watch out for stiff breezes.
“That’s what she said! Whaaay Ohhhhh!”
Let the K’bolds at home know that Lannis has his hand up as if I’m going to high five him. Which I am not. So thin, tall, and would you say, you are wiry?”
“I look like Gabe from the Office.”
Don’t know who that is.
“Like this.”
How are you doing that?
“Magic, baby.”
Ugh, don’t you’re really disturbing us.
“Anyway, back to me. I’m not exactly rocking an athletic build at all, far from it.”
Both No and Shit come to mind.
“Hmmph. However one would get the impression from looking at me that I might have spent a good amount of time running from either someone or something throughout my early life.”
True. So, what’s with the hair? Get hit with a bottle of peroxide?
“Ha! As if. That is an intentional blond patch in my glorious long black hair.”
Really?
“Yep, latest rage in all the Wizard Tower and High Society events that I attend to.”
Seems dubious. Can anyone attest to this?
“Nope. The rest of the group is about four levels below ‘pond scum’ and would never get an invite to these galas, so you have to take my word for it.”
I don’t know. Something about you just screams slimy, and not in the friendly late 30’s travelling ice cream man at 9:30 at night sort of way. That patch looks kind of uneven and unplanned.
“That’s the beauty of it. The contouring, the coloring, the edging. Takes work. Certain lesser wizards would wrongfully claim that such patch is the result of some apprentice stupidly and carelessly bungling an experiment.”
But?
“But nothing. That guy is both a dick weed and dead, and his opinion doesn't matter.”
Ok, ok, I won’t bring up the blond spot again. But the cut? What is that?
“Well, you know, it is VERY popular with the ladies.”
Besides your mom?
“As if. I came upon a copy of it in an illustration for something called Master Ziggys Stardust potion. Looks like this.”
Stop doing that!
“Magic! Watch out! Either way, I never did make the potion, but that hair style, man, that was both business in the front an party in the back. Forever seared into my brain.”
And security guards everywhere. So, tell us more about yourself. You ever see the outside of a tower, classroom, or whorehouse?
“I’ll have you know, training oneself to alter the layout of the cosmos with my will has forced me to spend more time than I might have liked indoors.”
Yeah, that lack of pigment is pretty pale.
“Maybe, but it’s a price I’ve willingly paid for my craft.” *holds up his arms* “See? Plenty of burns, cuts, and scars here. Happy to have earned each one.”
What about that one on your head?
“What one?”
By that patch of blond hair in your black. Is that related?
“Pssshaw..Um..no. Are you a dick?”
Wow, chillax.
“Don’t try your kobold spells on me, Gowan. That scar that you can barely see, is both to coloring of my hair, AND the nervous that one hears when hearing the sound of flying alembics.”
Seems rather specific.
“Seems your ass is rather specific.”
What does a flying alembic sound like?
“You know, like an alembic flying.”
Um.
“Move on.”
Ok, lets. It’s been reported that you move about the Murderer’s Castle with an obvious nervousness, despite being either in the rear or surrounded by more capable and able personages in both heft, strength, skill, and stature. Why?
“The dungeon, any dungeon, is a dangerous place. My job as resident genius is to provide a constant stream of insults, braggadocio, and sarcasm as we moves about.”
Really?
“Yep, I penciled it in when signing the charter.”
What’s with your nipples?
“What’s with yours?”
Seriously, you bring them up often. Do you even have nipples?
“Ha ha. Ha…Ha. That is interesting, but no, I am not a fan of that.”
Of what? We were talking about your nipples.
“No, pretty sure we moved on from that. So, want to aske me about my favorite type of pet?”
No, now I’m serious. What is with the avoidance of the question?
“Nothing to avoid. It’s a question and questions show an interest in learning, which is the hallmark of an enlightened mind. And a keen mind is a mind that that can work its way throughout the rigors of the Wizard’s Guild. You know, the first thing they impress upon you is to keep your robes wrinkle free.”
Um, really? I feel like we lost part of the discussion train…
“Yep, a wrinkle free set of robes shows the people you are dealing with that there is no aspect of your character that doesn’t meet with high and rigorous standards.”
Hmm. Be that as it may, how come your robes have those pinkish stripes running through the red? Is that on purpose?
“Sigh. Sometimes you have to deal with the cards you choose. I chose to patron a surly washer woman who ruined them. She was unappreciative of my kind suggestions on how she could do her job better and more efficiently.”
So unappreciative.
“I know? She was a bitch.”
You have a way of carrying yourself, Aggressive, over confident, even rude, wouldn’t you say?
“I like to think of my general bearing as Fox Mulderesque.”
Again? Stop it please! So many pictures!
“What can I say, I am a GOD DAMNED MAGIC USER! Whooo haaa!”
That guy doesn’t look much like you.
“No, I’m obviously better looking. Plus I am wearing robes, he has some stupid neck bib.”
Speaking of your robes, and that pink in them, if you worry about your appearance so much, why not just get new ones?
“A wizard’s robes are made for each specific wizard and you can’t just buy them off the rack like one would at Macy’s.”
Again, name dropping things we know NOTHING about.
“Try to follow along. There are some wizards who trained at the same school as me who were the butt of a related joke by Master Brooklyn. That pink stripes are secretly an indication to other wizards of high magic that the apprentice is a member of their circle.”
Are you?
“Ha, I can’t say. Secret, you know? But, some students figure out that they are the victim of the cruel master’s joke. Fools they be.”
Not like you, huh?
“Nope, not like me.”
The interview took on a sad an pathetic tone at this point and your august reporter wanted to avoid getting infected so came up with a reason to end the meeting early by faking an ingrown hair and needing to get it removed. Lannis didn’t seem to notice, and instead stared down at his pink striped red robes and sneered, eyes welling up with tears. Like I sad. Sad and pathetic.
As for sad and pathetic, we did manage to get two of his party members to chime in on Lannis and their thoughts about him. They were loathe to do so, and were willing to talk about the other party members but a promise of some easy encounters and maybe something alcoholic to drink, we managed to get both Kovid and Brendon on record. Their ruminations on Lannis were as follows, with the dwarf going first.
“What do I think about Lannis? Huh. Well…he’s a human, so not a great starting point. He must have wide necked shirts to get that big ol’ head of his to fit through. Thinks he's the smartest man around the fire, but I’m not so sure.”
“He's baby-faced. There's more hair on a good dwarven woman's cheeks, at either end, than his face. Ha hah ha!! Still, he's good in a fight and clever, I’ll give you that. He’s always reading his book; which you have to admit looks thicker than Thor’s Blazing Bush! I’ve caught him chatting with Wyn about hocus pocus and nipples now and again. Other than that girly dress he calls a robe and that old witch’s hat he wears around camp, I guess he looks like any other human. At least he wears shoes.”
Brendon was a bit slower to accept and seemed to be rather upset at the thought of discussing Lannis.
"Lannis? Haha! You want ME to describe Lannis? Why would anyone in their right mind want to know anything about the thief in our group? I usually get labeled as a thief because of my skills, but Lannis? He’s truly a soul sucking thief. If he couldn't draw upon the arts of the unknown he'd be called a pack mule.”
“He is constantly telling us his grand fucking thoughts as if it was from the mouth of god himself. It's not what he says, but the delivery of it. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to shove my blade between his 3rd and 4th rib to end our torture. See what he's doing to me? The fucking cunt isn't even here and he's pissing me off.”
*stood up to leave* "More? I'll leave you with this. He once said his love is in spreading himself out there and finding what secrets have been lost in time. He wants to use his skills and intellect to help those in need. I don't know if he was taught to be a walking abortion like his master or if he can’t see he's being one.”
*waved his hands and turned before settling down and turning back* “I want to go on record here that I won't harm him. I won't let him get me to that point. I believe everyone can change who they are. Poseidon knows I did.”
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