Follows:
LYRA
Thanks from the word from our sponsor: Auntie’s Antiexterminators; when your dungeon needs old poor hygiene women to bring in rats, bats, and gnats – contact AA’s for all your vermin needs. This is Gowan Sukiht, K’bold reporter with the third part in our series concerning the Fuckwit Adventuring Group © and their stabfest and plunder gala in Murderer’s Castle.
We had the opportunity to hear from the party’s two heavy hitters, sometimes referred to as tanks. The nomenclature ‘tank’ is not one that we use and we assume adventuring parties call their front line heroes this due to their stubborn mental density, the fact they are encased in metal, and most likely have little men in their brains driving them to testosterone fueled bouts of lunacy.
But for our next interview, you cannot get any further away from testosterone, or the attraction of anyone who has it, than with our next interviewee. As the group’s token female and least enjoyed player character class, the type you stick to the girl your brought to the game to show her how cool it is while you and your friends fight over the cool ranch and quote Monty Python to each other, hoping for a handy on the ride home and a follow up date on a day when you don’t have a game, the band’s cleric – Lyra Adder.
Lyra, thanks for joining us.
“Oh Goddess Aine, help me to awaken!”
Ha ha, no need for that here. You’re not in any danger.
“Aine, sweet red haired protector of the bountiful harvest, banish this miscreant from my sight and mind.”
Wow, really getting worked up over here. Is that sweat I see gathering under your armpits? It’s activating the cat dander that you failed to wash out of your clothes.
“Goddess, hear my plea and allow me to awaken.”
We break the interview here because for the next 36 minutes, miss prissy-pants kept calling out for Aine as if that was going to end our session before exhaustion and benumbed resignation had succumbed her and allowed us to continue on. Interview continued as follows.
“So, if I answer your questions, you’ll free my mind and allow me to leave this place unharmed and without trouble?”
Yes, again, this is allegorical more than actualized.
“Allegorical? Like the Gorgon gorical? I was RIGHT! That bitch is here. I’ll let the group know. We’re going to need more mirrors.”
I literally have no idea what you are going on about. Hysteria runs rampant with you, doesn’t it?
“Laugh it up, kobold. Your day is coming.”
Looking forward to it. So Lyra, tell us a bit about yourself.
“So you can use it against me later? Nice try. I’m on to you.”
Seriously, you are being difficult. Is it because you’re a woman, or because no one likes you?
“What? People DO like me.”
Sure.
“They do!”
What is there to like about you? Let’s start with your look. You’re not very big or imposing. Didn’t get enough to eat when growing up?
“I’m just about normal height, 5’ 4”, and I’m not a waif…”
Fancy word used there.
“I have a medium build. Although, I WOULD admit it might be unathletic…maybe even scrawny.”
Words we would use. Also ‘soft’, ‘scarecrow’, and ‘unexceptional’ fit.
“Rude. *flexes her forearms* Check THAT out, huh? I have great arms. Comes from years of tending the farm when I was a young girl. As well as all the slinging I’ve done and continue to do since then.”
They do make you look a bit mannish.
“Pssh. Not even close.”
Come one, you’re not going to bring home any beauty pageant trophies except maybe ‘participant’.
“Wow. You are just swinging wildly at me. Look, I’ll admit, if there was a word that would describe me it would be average. I’m right in the middle. Not attractive NOR unattractive. Heck, you can even say neither overly feminine nor masculine.”
Rocking those double A’s, I can believe that. Oh, don’t cross your arms, it’s a waste of time to cover up nothing.
“I..I…I can’t believe you. I hope that Kovid kills every one of you.”
From our interview with the tosspot, the only thing we are afraid of Kovid killing is a cheap flask of ale. So, what’s with the hair? It’s pretty ugly, what color is that? Stale urine?
“Blonde, you walking toad. Dark blonde. And it’s fine. I keep it just a bit past my shoulders and given the long walk from Specularum and my time here, it’s not exactly bouncing, barely a wave to it and a bit flat.”
Any scars? Tattoos? Piercings?
“Ew.”
Hey, some people are into that. So, is there a battlewagon riding your rotting half peaches or what?
“No, I have no markings, no real scars, or the like. My body is a temple to Aine and I wouldn’t desecrate it.”
Says you. And probably any guy you tried to shag, horse face.
“*grits teeth* I do NOT have a horse face. I have been described as having a slightly LONG face. It makes me appear older than I actually am. And perhaps a bit sullen. But that’s ok, because my appearance is so average and unassuming, I am mistakenly unnoticed or looked over. *brown eyes flashing in anger* And that’s usually to someone else’s terrible downfall.”
Ok, ok. Dial it down a bit from 11 to ‘boil your bunny’, ok? Maybe we got a bit out of line. For all your plainness though, we have to admit, that is some pretty fantastic well made and decorative armor.
“Thanks. Aine is for me, the central guidepost in my life. And I like to show her her due.”
How?
“The Summer Goddess? I make sure that anything I wear has some sort of adornment concerning her. This sun motif here. This flower pattern here. Right here, a depiction of a horse.”
Hmmm, did not notice that earlier. Really into Aine then?
“Absolutely. And let me tell you, Aine is big on respect and not into flash and flair. I could go and buy the best brocades and velvets, but that is actually an insult her. My clothes? Made well and in good repair, not the most expensive, but worn with love.”
I notice that your cloak has an abundance of flowers sewn along the bottom. Your doing?
“Yep. More of my handiwork. I can sew patches all day, or stitch the holes closed myself. And if I do so, why not flowers or the like?”
Wow, average looking, scrawny, nothing special, into sewing needlessly, and prefer to wrap yourself in something pretty to offset how unattractive you are – such a catch to be sure.
While the interview was making us uncomfortable as the odor of desperation and self loathing filled the air, we were lucky enough to get a different introspection of the most forgettable member of the group by two of her travelling companions: the itinerant chipmunk fondler Wyn D’Endee and the dirty scheming weathered thief Brendon Lake. Both of their full interviews will appear later in our program.
First were the demented drivel from Wyn:
“Mademoiselle Adder? Good human female dat one. Reminds me a bit of 'ow dee Valkyries were described. Blonde 'air en 'azel eyes. Um... she has some traits of de goddess Freya, too.”
“Keeps her hair up so dat it can’t be pulled. Knowin' eyes dat don't miss a beat. But, may'aps a bit rough around dee edges. With a strong jaw. Dats mo' Freya den anyting. Good singin' voice, too. Don't know why ye be askin' deez queries. Dey don't be makin' much sense. Wyn done wit dis. Need ta sleep.”
He was fairly useless, a problem I am sure he’s used to dealing with. Brendon’s observations were as:
"Lyra is appealing. Her mannerisms are endearing. She's wise and knowable without being arrogant unlike a DICKWEED I know.”
“I guess Aine had told her to venture out into the dangers of the world. Lyra should stay in the back out of harm’s way,” he chuckled long here, “with the OTHER girl…so she doesn't become injured.”
“Hmm,…Am I coming across as a chauvinist?” Long pause here as he took a deep breath. “I'm not saying she is weak or anything. HELL, she has called upon her goddess for aide, that's fucking amazing! I've asked Poseidon for help time and again to no avail. Plus you know, um…, she's also good at slinging rocks; which I've always thought was, you know, a child's toy."
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