There was a gap of time between HW 4 and HW 5 due to a variety of reasons, but for this one, I asked the group the following: We've run into a number of 'named' people this adventure, and what I'd like from everyone is to pick TWO (any two - your choice, it doesn't matter what other people have picked) and write in you character's voice, what you think their "employment opportunity" with Corfard might have gone like.
If you want an additional 150 xp, using ONE of the TWO NPC's you picked, in their voice, write what THEY think about your character (if they are dead, obviously before they died). Again, should be a paragraph.
Yes, I was looking for snide comments and snark. And they delivered. :)
Follows:
HOMEWORK FIVE: Seth and Travis
“I think it’s shitty that we have to spend the night back in this fucking jail,” Lannis complained, kicking the stale straw aside with the flat of his shoe. “The place stinks of failure, old snake, and I’m pretty sure this dried patch here is old gorilla cum.”
“You are a disgusting bag of flesh,” Lyra scolded him. “Let me see. Ugh, it’s just some growth on the stone, you puerile joke.”
“You’re the joke, NightMare,” he retorted. She walked out of the cell, head shaking, giving him a cuff on the back of the head as a parting gesture. “Knock it off, Manhands.”
“Oh for the love of Poseidon,” Brendon bitched from the next cell, “Would you please just shut the hell up?”
“Si, Senor,” Abraxas sighed, running the whetstone across his Scythe. “Your voice is muy molesto.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” The Magic User held his hand up, looking cross. “I’ve NEVER molested anyone.”
“Except your mom,” Kovid muttered.
“Can’t molest the willing,” Brendon echoed.
“Or the dead and mounted permanently to his bed,” Lyra added.
“Knock it off,” Lannis retorted. “That’s my mom, show some respect.” He turned to Wyn, “I swear, I have no idea why they do this to me.”
“Oui. I ‘ave no idea eider, Monsieur Offop.” The elf gave a soft chuckle, looking around at the group. “I do gotta say, dis is not what I expected when I signed on for dis mission a year ago…”
“Eight days,” Kovid replied. “Plus a week to travel here.”
“Mayhap. Feels like a year dough.” He waved his hands and looked about. “But I got say, even dough we do pick on each udder…”
“I don’t,” Lannis asserted, getting a series of boos tossed his way in response.
“As I was sayin’, we all did get dis job and ‘ave certainly done de best we could wit de situation before us.”
“Your point is?” Brendon asked.
“Besides on your ears,” the Magic User offered.
“We ‘ave done damned good for de time we done been in ‘ere. Makes ye wonder if after 6 months dat the bad guys ‘ave been ere, did dey tink dey would be doin’ as good.”
“You mean the walking piles of experience that appear before us have thoughts?” Lannis chuckled. “I’m pretty sure, Duh Duh Duh I’m a fucking cunty cunt cunt is the limit of their thought process.”
“Do you ever say anything that isn’t offensive?” Lyra asked.
“I don’t know? Do you ever say anything without spraying your listener due to your giant assed horse teeth and noticeable overbite?”
“I do NOT have an overbite NOR do I have horse teeth!”
“Neigh. You don’t. You are soooooo right.”
“I’m serious,” Wyn interrupted, preventing the Cleric and Wizard from going off on another never ending back and forth. “Take de Jailer…wot was ‘is name?”
“Stinkfuck?” Lannis asked.
“No, Senor Lamprey. It was Seth,” Abraxas offered.
“Right! Seth!” Wyn smiled at the Fighter. “Take ‘im for instance. I mean he’s a Trog, oui? Like when he goes to see Corfard, wot does ‘e tink ‘e is bringin’ to de table to get hired for de job?”
Lyra was idly plucking at her holy symbol, thinking back on their interactions with the Troglodyte Jailer. He had made friends with an Owlbear, supposedly kept the Children of Lolth from being hurt or abused by Corfard and his minions, and was a fairly decent whittler of wood.
She gave a smirk and stated with, “Goddess! I can’t imagine the Jailer in an interview. How did he get the job? How did he walk into this place, resume in his greasy hands, and confidently hand it to a dragon of all things.”
She looked around at the group and stood up tall, allowed her mouth to hang slack and mimed having talons as she moved slowly and purposefully about. “Pleessssssssssshhure to meet you, ssssssssssssssiiiiir Corfard.” She purposely spitted and raspberried as she attempted to replicate his hiss mockingly.
“Damn it, Lyra!” Lannis complained with a smile. “Say it, don’t spray it.”
She spun about, holding her eyes wide open, continuing with her spiel. “You would be misssSSSSSssssssSsstaken for passSssssSssSsssing me up, SsSSsSSsIr. I would be a great sssssssSssservice to your endevorsssssssSsss.” She snickered, clearly amused with herself at her impression. “I am the formidable SSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEETHHH. I am force to be reckoned with!”
“Gotta admit, it’s a stupid assed name for a Troglodyte,” Kovid noted.
“It’s a pretty poor name for regular, non foul smelling, human and ‘other’ human like folk,” Lannis waved a hand at the dwarf, arching an eyebrow and pursing his lips, “like you know…you…as well.”
“I sssssssstink ssssssssso I will deter enemiesssSssSss,” Lyra was getting into her impression, bobbing up and down as moved, head pivoting around, spraying spittle everywhere and having to continuously wipe her chin clean. “I alsssssssso tame giant dangerousssSssssss animalsSsSsS. I also like... babiessssSSsSs.”
“Babies?”
“Just let her go with it.”
She continued, “Hire me immediately or you will REGRET it. I am an angry and sssccarrryyy creature. Do not underesssSssssstimate me. I am alsssssso SSSSSSMART.” She tapped the side of her head. “My SsssSsssssssssssskills include capturing my victimssSSSSSS and SSSSSSSubjecting them to my SSSSMMMell. I will alsSSSSo demand a payment of grub babieSSSSSSS.”
The Cleric then devolved into a series of gasping giggles before getting her mirth under control. “And then the interview would continue with this feral, smelly creature bitching and trying to assert his dominance to a dragon.” She gave a half-hearted shrug. “I’m sure Corfard just wanted to get him the fuck out of that room. He hired him, sent him to a part of the castle that would be furthest from him and let him collect idiots in his jail cell and tame animals.”
The party all laughed at her completion of the possible interview, Abraxas laughing the loudest. “Si! Si! Excellente! That would be exactemente how it would be.”
“Thanks, Abraxas.”
“Do you mind?” he asked, getting up and moving to the middle of the jail. Lyra gave a short curtsey and moved aside, sitting on one of the benches as the Fighter took center stage. He pulled his hair back into a tight pony tail and flipped his cloak over his head, pulling the ends down. Leaning forward slightly, he stuck out his upper teeth and gave a mocking bow before turning his gaze upward as if addressing the dragon.
“Oh... ‘Blessssed’ Corfudge,” he began, letting his ‘esses’ run on similar to Lyra’s.
“Corfudge?” Brendon asked.
“Good way to not get the job is to get the interviewer’s name wrong,” Kovid noted.
“Shhh,” Lannis scolded them, “I’m listening.”
Both gave the magic user a surprised glance, but did sit still as the Fighter went into his impression of the Jailer.
“Yo Sssssoy Ssssseth. Yo ssssnugglesss lossss animalesss. Yo wassshess y cleanss El Yail y Losss cagesss. Yo no tengo anyone importante o any place a voy.” He made motions like he was holding a broom, sweeping at the floor as he moved about, and kept turning his head about, eyes fixed on the space above that he had picked for Corfard’s reference.
Lifting one armpit, he gave a short smell and then went on, “Los animalsss don't mind sssmellsss asss much asss your other minionsss. Yo sssmellsss ssso malo, que El Dyke-chesssss nearly fainted when I came in the room.” He stomped his foot once as if making a point. “ Jowassss actually plugged hisss nossse.” He stomped his foot a second time, raising a hand in the air as if it was a claw.
“A KOBOLD, PLUGGED HISSS NOSSSE, due to the ssstench!”
“He is really gettin’ into dis Sething, oui?” Wyn asked, getting a chorus of agreements in return.
Abraxas continued. “Let that sssink in. Like my ssstink hasss ssset into thisss casssting couch. Unlike sssome ssstainsss, thisss will never come out.”
“Remind me,” Brendon leaned over, “If there IS a couch in Corfard’s area, don’t let me sit on it.”
“Eww,” Lyra agreed.
“Tu will hire me, asss essstoy going essstar there con losss animalesss anyway. Tell your other followersss not to bother me or my petsss.” He gave a menacing growl, allowing a line of drool to collect and then run out of his mouth and fall to the floor in a dripping line. “Or elssse they may find themssselvesss in piecssesss in a pile of ssshit in the back of a cssell!” He gave a flourish and then whirled around with a smile, wiping his lips dry on the bottom of his cloak.
The party laughed along with the Fighter as he eventually made his way back to his bench and sat down again. “What a joke,” he chuckled.
Kovid had stood up at this point, rubbing his chest, eyes deep in thought. “Seth certainly was a piece of shit,” the dwarf said. “But for me? I wonder how that fat goblin, Travis, ever got the job as spy?”
“Maybe no one else wanted the job?” Lyra wondered.
“Which one was Travis?” Brendon asked.
“De ‘eavy vert skinned one dat came out from de secret wall and stabbed Dwarffreind.”
“Oh yeah! Crazy fast talking speed freak,” Brendon nooded his head. “I could barely understand what he was saying.”
“Dat was most likely de haste potion he had taken. Made ‘im move, talk, and act faster. Maybe even tink faster too.”
The dwarf frowned, giving the jail floor a brief kick. “Think?” he asked rhetorically, “I don’t know what goblins think? Can they think? Green? Maybe they think green thoughts in their dirty green brains.”
He hunched up his shoulders and tried to make his eyes cross slightly, snarling up one side of his face and giving his teeth a faint baring as if about to snarl. Then pitching his voice half an octave higher, he held one hand out and up, fingers held limply and began him impression. “Yes, Corfard, I’m a thief... er spy. I can sit in a dark room all day and wait for people to walk by and stab them in the back like a little green bitch.”
“Are you sure you’re not doing, Brendon?” Lannis asked, glancing at the Scout and seeing his dead stare facing back at him. “Whatever,” he shrugged, “I know I’m funny.”
The dwarf continued, “Skills? No, I’m worthless dirt, so I’ll just wait downstairs with my dinner knife and stare at the stone walls until a capable stout gentleman comes along.” He hunched down on his knees and pulled out his dagger, scratching his ass with it while he mimed sticking a finger up his nose with his other hand. “I’ll jump out and grab him by beard,” he grabbed his own beard and pulled it gently, “and try to give him a kidney replacement.” Taking his dagger, he mimed stabbing it ahead of him while still keeping the moronic look on his face.
“This dragon has terrible job applicants,” Lannis noted.
Kovid then bowed his head low before sheathing his blade and licking his lips. “Would that make you happy you scaly fuck?” He waved his hands as if erasing something, “I mean, sir?” he wrapped up with a laugh.
“Again, not the way to behave on an interview,” the Magic user whispered to Lyra.
Standing up straight again, Kovid still had a smile on his face as he finished his impression. “Then he just thinks green. Green green green.” He snapped his fingers with a sense of finality and then ended with his middle finger raised up and pointing to the ground, “Hope the dragon gives you a raise now that you died for him, you foul ankle biting asshole.”
“Tell us ‘ow you really feel,” Wyn said amidst the party’s laughter.
(Congrats to Adam for his alternate submission – 150 xp)
Meanwhile, going back some 6 days, Travis had been watching the party with care for half a day. He had tracked them as they interacted with Grilljax and his kobolds, and then spied on them as they had an altercation with Jowass in the gardens before letting the kobold warrior leave. It seemed the beefy fighter and the thief had gotten into some words.
Turning back to the castle, he made his way past Catharandamus’ adepts as they were looking around the lower floors for signs of the keys, the salamanders oblivious to his almost mouse-like silence. Once safely back at his rooms, he took a drink of the speed potion that he had become addicted to, that his friend Smallpox had been brewing and darted his way back into the secret room, hand on the alarm bell.
“Travishasaneye on this adventuring party... that recently made its way into the castle,” he muttered quickly and quietly, his sense of time all screwed up due to the potion’s effects. “CorfardwantsTravis to just report back... but TravisthinksTravis can take them.” The goblin spymaster smiled to himself, drawing his short sword free.
Checking the buckles on his platemail one last time, he placed his ear to the door and could hear the group coming closer and closer. Almost quivering with excitement, he had to still his bouncing leg by stepping down hard. “Traviswantstokill the little one... Always out front. Travishatesdwarves. Dwarvesaretough, smart, dangerous.” He gave a weak grin, moving his hand in front of him with a limp wrist and mimed wearing a dress. “Not like the floppy hat one. Traviskillstheweakoneslast. Goblinkillersmustdie.”
The next few seconds were a disjointed flash of speed induced fever glimpsed, shock of blood and combat, and the reek of stale ale and unwashed dwarf to the goblin spymaster. “Travisgothim! Killedhimdead! Now Travis run and hide...Stabthebabykillernext...!”
It followed by his body locking up but still seemingly on fire within as the competing efforts of the hold spell and the haste potion threatened to burst the goblin spy’s heart. “Oh no Traviscan’tmove!” He tried to thrash about but couldn’t. “Travisthinktravisisgonadie! It’sthebabykiller! Oh Travisdidn’tkillthedwarf after all!”
Something cold ran through his lungs and then he was suddenly still, the effects of the potion and spell instantly ended. “Woah!!” He tried to gasp but his lungs refused to work. “Travisisfloating above Travis’s body. Thisfeelsweird. The baby killer is pulling his sword from Travis’s face. Travis can’t feel it.” He could seemingly stare down at himself, the connection to his body fading rapidly. “Floating higher now... ThedwarfmansmashedTravis’sheadin...” He noted with distaste as the dwarf repeatedly hit the spymaster in the face.
It was just as he was fading away completely that there was a ghostly taste on the back of his tongue that had Travis make a foul expression, frowning. “Wait... isthat…piss?!”
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