This was the post that happened to fall on April Fool's day and to get me, everyone Discorded privately and for this turn, they all played someone else and wrote their turn in. So the comments are a bit over the top but honestly, it wasn't until I was reading the third email that I figured out I was being punked. Damned funny.
Follows:
THREE HUNDRED EIGHTY FIVE
(I/C)
Lyra looked around, gleefully smiling at all the treasure on the floor. “What do you guys want to do? We have all this moooooney. Might want to also bring the gold to drop off at the secret whatever room.”
Giving her a strange look, Lannis took off his hat and placed his hands on his waist, cocking his hips to the side. "Well if anyone would like MY EGG HEAD OPINION, we should go to the secret room and hide out for a while. No need for anyone else's opinions - you're all wrong and I'm right."
"Oh ho ho, come mon amis,” Wyn rubbed his hands together, picking up one of the gold coins and then trying to bend it with his teeth. Satisfied, he tossed it back on the pile and said, “We 'ave 'ere un gros bounty of monay ver-ee shi-nee.” He pointed to the Fighter and then the Scout and the Dwarf, “Abraxsauce, si vous plait pick up zos' coins and carry zem to ze door un see-cret. Miseur Brendome, listen at the door, while Petit Kovid you be ready for ze amboosh.”
Abraxas held the bag open while Kovid started shoveling the coins in. We could hear them ‘fall’ into the bag, and although the sides seemed to move, no matter how much the dwarf pushed in, there was plenty of room for more. Kovid started keeping up a banter while Brendon crossed the room, looking into the goblin chamber once more. "Thor's Craggy Anus! That's a stone's piss load of gold. Really looking to smear those green blooded sacks of shit when we meet again. That Smallpox is a hemorrhoid in Odin's glorious Ass…that I plan to remove! Thor's tantalizing taint! I feel good. I feel like I could crush those green skin coated stone skulled freaks into gravel. We should take the fight to them! Only good green skin is a dead one.”
Keeping an ear near the door, Lyra asked, “Should we try peeing all over the castle to throw off the scent of the wolves? No? Anyone else really need to pee? No? Well...”
“Really?” Lannis frowned. “We’re going back to the Vault, Gluefactory. Save your UTI issues and need to pee constantly for another time.”
“Estaría feliz de llevar el dinero que acabamos de encontrar,” Abraxas smiled, shaking the bag of holding a bit as the dwarf continued to refill it. “No es como el insignificante nan Luenos aires y Lylalala podría hacerlo. Entonces vamos y crusha Schamlapukas una vez y para siempre. Ven conmigo amigos, será como el pequeño hombre rosado que dice cake.”
“Monsieur Du Lac?” Wyn asked. “Zee hall, si’vous, plait?”
“Gimme a minnit,” he replied, “Since we're in the bedroom, I’d like to take the +2 Spinner from the armory and add a wrist strap so I can BX baby double attack.” He pointed to the hall. “Then I can hide in the shadows as we make for the secret room.”
Kovid stopped shoveling the gold in to stare open mouthed at the Scout.
Sighing exasperatedly, Brendon said, “Lil'man don't look at me like that.”
“So many things need to be unpacked in that mess you just said. The obvious ones are they took the Spinner with them, your packs are busting at the seams, and I don’t think you can get extra attacks with a 2 handed weapon.”
Brendon gave the dwarf an empty stare, holding it for at least a solid ten seconds before shrugging, shutting the door, and heading for the hall to post up and listen. “Whatever,” he waved his hand, “Just don’t touch my stuff.” As he passed Lyra, he muttered, “Lass, I might need a heal.”
“I tink you are fine, Du Lac.” Wyn noted. “Lady small harp, if Koveed is injured heal him.”
“Didn’t I just say how great I’m feeling,” Kovid grinned. “Save it for someone who needs it.”
“Does anyone need healing? Or should we save it?” Lyra looked around, frowning. “I think I'll save it. Nevermind, I'm saving it for later for the best and most beautiful member of the party. If we are trekking back down this hallway, y'all need to protect me. I'm pretty busted up... and also the most important member of the party right now!”
“Y’all?” Brendon asked, one eye brow raised.
“Did I just say y'all? Hm... must be practicing for my new home in the Deep South Dawnlands.” She looked at the flasks and vials they had brought out and suggested, “Oh, guys, you totally should pick up the oil before we go. I would but I can’t carry anything more.”
As Kovid dropped the last of the coins into the bag, Abraxas was wrapping the top closed and fastening the bag of holding to one of his backpack straps. Glancing at the items, Wyn tapped Lannis and said, "Oh oui oui, Monseur Offop, perhaps vous should porter ze earl car vous had been carrying extra earl tranquillement previously, oui?"
“Gladly,” Lannis snagged 2 of the flasks of oil. “We all know where to go, right? Time’s wasting. No need to congratulate me for my BRILLIANT plan. Let’s go, cretins!” he snapped his fingers and tapped his wrist for some reason.
“So, no greenskins?” Kovid frowned. Taking a deep breath he dug one boot into the ground and said, “But uh, I'd be Obsidian... I mean obstinate not to ask what the group wants to do? The Secret Vault?”
“You really aren’t listening to me well today, aren’t you?” Lannis asked.
“By Loki's Breast Milk I feel like smashing…” Kovid drew his Theystran hammer and swung it around with a flourish. Ending with a toss, he caught it by the handle and resheathed the weapon. “Fine, fine. If that’s the case, let's get to the Vault and check back in after Big Brain gets a look at his information gemstone. The information could be precious. It'd be Silica - silly of us to run off half Baldur's cocked.” He rubbed his face, flapping his tongue in and out of his mouth a few times, crossing his eyes to look at it. “By Slepnir's slippery tongue I'm stumbling over my words today.”
“That’s the big 8 legged horse, right?” Lannis asked, slyly looking over at the Cleric.
“No Big Brain, I'm not talking about Lyra.” He scooped up a flask of oil and one of the blue towels, “I'll take a towel and the oil if we are ready to roll out.” Sniffing the air, he added, “Abraxas... actually everyone may want to carry some of the soap... no reason." He chuckles.
“Du Lac, de hall clear?”
(WMC: Red/Black 3) Brendon gave a thumbs up. “Let’s move out people.”
The party drew up into marching order, Lannis had a dart out, hiding close behind Lyra who growled a bit and then ‘accidently’ stopped short, stepping on the Magic User’s foot. “Ooo! So sorry,” she whispered.
“Keep that up and you’ll throw a shoe.”
The party made their way out of the Hobgoblin sparring room and then proceeded east down the hall. Brendon was listening, glancing down the intersection, ears perked up (<Hear Noise, +25% echoes, quiet, Red 36) where he could hear some feeding and ripping sounds coming from far down the corridor to the north. Fingers to his lips, he had Kovid block part of the light and the group made their way through, moving on towards the twin doorways.
Lyra frowned, whispering, “So... What are we scrying on?”
“Grimtooth,” Lannis whispered back. “The big orc that is hunting Wyn…and the rest of us with a lesser interest I suppose.”
“Hmmph,” the Cleric replied, “Seems like everyone everywhere screams danger... what if, you know... we just LEAVE with all this MONEY.”
Five voices all whispered back, “No.”
“No?” She shrugged, “Well... Aine give me strength... I guess you have to stare at your single shiny little BALL for a while, Lannis.” She chuckled, giving a weak wink to Brendon who had glanced back, but the Scout was disturbed as she scrunched up half her face to do and actually almost blinked with both eyes.
“Yeah. Funny,” he replied.
“You know, Lyra,” Lannis placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it slightly, letting his hand then run down her arm after a short uncomfortable lingering moment, before it just fell away shy of grabbing her hand. “I think you are nice… and impressive… and cool.”
She frowned, “Really?” rubbing her sleeve with a bit of distaste after the wizard’s action.
“Totes,” he replied, trying to look earnest, “Your sewing skills are neat and horses are indeed magical.”
“Wow, um, thanks.”
“It’s true. All your plans are better than mine. When we get the chance, we should all go to the L O C U S T R O O M." he ended his statement by spelling out the last words.
“Enough,” Brendon admonished the crew. From the east we could faintly hear LOTS of distant goblin voices, considerably more than we had heard when Smallpox had walked by earlier. He gave the door a short once over, and once sure it was ok, opened it and led the group to the short hall. Abraxas closed the door behind the group, blocking out the sounds from the hall.
Once the door to the Summoning Room was checked and also cleared, the group entered and looked around, Abraxas heading right for the orc barracks, seeing no one in there. “Clear,” he said.
“Excellent!” Wyn rubbed his hands together and walked up to the secret door. Kovid took the woodcutter’s axe from the elf and waited as Wyn worked his spell. “Lannis... Now I shall get the door open like gumbo on gator biscuits. BRAS!"
We could hear a click as the lock was released on the other side of the door. But with no fingerholds, Kovid quickly inserted the flat of the blade into the base of the door and tried to pry it open (<Str check -2 difficult, Yellow 8 and/or Stoneworking +1 bonus done it before, Yellow 1 – both successful), working the portal ajar and then swiftly opening it up.
We all entered and the door was closed behind us. Wyn meanwhile took out the Vault key and opened the Secret vault where the group entered and let out a visible breath, relieving themselves of the stress they had been carrying so far. “Ok, Let me get this set up,” Lannis took out his crystal ball and sat down, pulling his robes up over his knees and then sitting on the floor, the stand placed between them. He put the ball on top and wiped his face once with the back of his hat. “Start the clock, it’s magic time.”
“Ugh,” Lyra frowned. “You are so in love with yourself.”
He smiled and started his trancing. The ball appeared dormant to all of us, but to the magic user, the contents swirled and twisted, smoked and roiled. (<Int check, Pink 8) After a long turn, he raised his voice and said, “Ok, we’re getting something.”
The party crowded around, seeing strange blotches of color within but nothing like what Lannis saw. “What you got, Big Brain,” Kovid asked. “Where is he?”
“Ok. Grimtooth. Well, I got him. Let’s see. Orc, pig face, big nose. Has 4 or five elven heads tied by their hair to his belt.”
“Dat be dat guy, Oui.”
“Scanning him over. Let’s see. Weathered chainmail, has a shield. Sword he has in a back sheath. Like a douche, I might add. He’s in one of the lower barracks room. Oooh! It’s the one with the mummified dead elves.”
“What’s he doing?”
Lannis moved his hands over the crystal’s surface. “Well, it looks like he’s far from alone. Doors open, front and back of the room. At least a dozen goblins and 6, 8, I don’t know, hard to tell, 10 hobgoblins?”
“That’s too many,” Abraxas frowned.
“True, but I think it might be all that’s left. One of the hobs…TWO of the hobs looks better armored and equipped than the others, not like they are slouches.”
“Any udder orcs?”
“Hmmm. In the hall there is a person or two? Can’t see it though. But they are pushing everything from one side of the room to the other, leaving the majority of the floor clear.”
“Why?”
“My guess? To make sure there is no place for us…or anyone to hide.” He picked his head up. “And the crystal’s dark.”
“So,” Brendon rubbed his chin. “They are very much still on the lower level.”
Abraxas pointed to the north. “We could go through the secret door and try to take out the 3rd creash?”
Wyn shook his head. “It’s been some time. Smallpox might already be up dere.”
“What’s the plan?”
Time now is Day 9, 11:05 AM
(OOC)
Great job with everyone’s April Fools! Thank you all for doing it, it was wonderful! I tried to make sure all of it was represented here. Ok, What does the party want to do now?
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