This was the 5th Interview and it was for Brendon, the party thief who was a pirate and then a scout and whose low wisdom often had some rudeness and missed social cues hit up in the game now and again.
Follows:
BRENDON
And remember, you can’t take it with you, so spend it all before you die. Before we get into our next segment on what to do with your belongings to deny your children and clutchmates of your 2d4 silver and 1d4 gold worldly goods, we’d like to bring to our 5th segment regarding the unwelcome bags of crystalline douche salts that are inhibiting the good works here at Murderer’s Castle. This is Gowan Sukiht, K’bold reporter, and for our next interview, I wanted to make sure that you, our gentle listeners, are settled in and have the doors locked.
There are those who strike from the shadows, lie to your face, steal from your corpse, and are sometime called the most dishonest member of any adventuring party. But we already did our piece on Lannis. For this segment, we will be talking with Brendon Lake, the self described “scout” of the group but our investigative inquiries have also turned up thief, pirate, scumbag, and not being someone’s supervisor. Who is he? We don’t know, so let’s find out together. Hello Brendon, and welcome.
*stares silently*
Is your mic on?
*silence*
Wow, and I thought Christian Bale had that down pat. So, Brendon, tell us a bit about yourself.
*more stubborn silence*
Sigh. This is going to get old real fast. At least let us know that we are interviewing the right man? Brendon, right?
*Long silence* “Sigh” *more silence* “Um…”
Go on, you are so close.
*some more silence* “I guess you aren’t going to let me go then unless I play along?”
No playtime here, master thief, just a few…
“Scout.”
Beg pardon?
“Scout. I’m not a thief.”
Oh. Would you prefer rogue? Wrong edition but I’d be willing…
“Scout. Not rogue, thief, or anything else like that.”
Scout, last time I checked, wasn’t a playable character class.
“Kobold, last time I checked, couldn’t speak our language.”
That’s game specific, and not canon.
“Whatever. I don’t like the term thief, it makes people think of a person as being an individual of lesser character, you know, like Lannis. My professional skills are those of being a military scout, 2nd class, in the royal army of Karamiekos, currently retired. I offer my skills to those who require them and am under contract with the Academy for this current endeavor.
Wow.
“I. Am. Not. A. Thief.”
Um, ok! We got that now. /*aside* ‘should I be nervous? This guy looks like he’s ready to knife me. That fighter dude was a wet noodle, but this guy really has that I mean business thing going. You sure? It’s ok? I can always run a half hour of old Tom and Jerry if I need to. Ok, if you insist. */end aside*
“Who were you talking to?”
No one.
“I saw you lower your head and whisper a bit. I didn’t catch it all but if I wanted to knife you, I’d have done it already.”
Wow, great hearing! Like my mom’s.
“You came from an egg. You don’t have a mom.”
Rude! Everyone has a mom, mine just sat on me till I hatched along with a dozen of my brothers and sisters.
“Whatever.”
Just because you have problems with your parental figure, don’t think everyone does.
*stares silently*
Ugh, this again. Well, looking at you, I’d say you weren’t fed often as a kid. What are you, 140?
“135 lbs, since before I left Specularum.”
Rail thin and whipcord come to mind.
“Thanks.”
6 foot?
“Nah, just under, 5’ 11”.”
That’s alright, close enough. How old are you, unlike some of the others, you don’t seem like a kid.
“I’ve already had a pretty full life. 32 as of a few months ago.”
Whew! Blows my 8 and a half out of the water.
“That a pirate joke?”
Not that I’m aware of. Pirate’s aren’t very funny.
“Not typically.”
Although there was this one pirate who got the ship’s wheel caught in his crotch during a bad cannon exchange. Couldn’t get it out, stuck on his scrotum. Went to the ship’s surgeon to get it removed and the doctor asked why. Pirate said ‘ya gots ta remove it, it’s drivin’ me nuts.’
*Silent staring*
You have no sense of humor.
“No, you’re just not funny.”
But your face is. You ever hear of a haircut?
“Why? I keep it tied back, and it’s not really past my shoulders much.”
Blonde?
“Only when the sun hits it, otherwise think dirty blonde.”
Spend a lot of time in the sun, do ya?
“Not as much as I used to. Although I do have a sort of permanent tan.”
Noticed you have a few scars and whatnot across your roadmap there.
“Some.” *looks at back of hands and kicks off boots* “My hands are probably the worst. An eight year count working the riggings and yardarms will give you a lifetime of callouses.”
Arms too?
“Just some old scars. Don’t even know where they came from anymore. Got some on my chest also, want to see?”
No, you go ahead and keep your shirt on. Getting comfortable with bare toes is enough for me now. You like being at ease?
“It’s not really being at ease. I like to watch others, see what they’re doing, thinking, acting. I watch what they say, their walk, and by doing so, I get a better read on them from the things they don’t say as opposed to the things they do say.”
Deep.
“I have my moments.”
What about a good drink now and again? That usually gets the tongues wagging I’ve been told.
“I’ll have a drink now and again, same idea though. I can order a beer and nurse it for a few hours, stay sharp and my wits keen, and listen to the morons talk till their blue in the face and say things they wouldn’t dare to utter if they half again as sober.”
Speaking of drinks, and being a pirate sort of person, anything you like to eat?
“You’d think fish would top the list, but now. Actually have a deep love from rotisserie rabbit and quail. Got that from my time in the army.”
Neat.
“Also developed a love of fruits, oranges and grapes. But truthfully, ale and beer is nice, but give me a good Gnomish Deepbrew dark coffee and you might make a friend for life.”
Nah, have enough friends and I suspect you and your group might be dead soon.
“Think all you want. You’re entitled to. Until we find you.”
Good luck with that. So, besides being a foodie of sorts, what do you like to do?
“Foraging has its moments, but truthfully, I miss the water. When this is all over I hope I make enough coin to buy a single masted schooner so I can get back on the waves.”
Sounds nice.
“You have no idea.”
You go by yourself, or have anyone you’d like to take aboard?
“Well, not you.”
Wow, wasn’t going there.
“Whatever I saw that look of longing.”
So not true. Had some dust in my eyes, made them glisten.
“Mmm hmm. No, if I was to go, I’d take people I care about. Family, dad, brother and sister. Friends. And just enjoy the sea air.”
This group count as friends?
“For the most part. Barring one.” *staring again with a frown*
Uh oh. Touchy?
“No, I just don’t like stupidity. Drives me nuts.”
Hahahahah. Punch line!
“Ugh. No, turn of phrase. I have no truck with kobolds, but I hate the hell out of Gobs and their ilk. And pretty much anyone that’s an arrogant ass and might call me a thief.”
So, you are picky picky picky.
“Nope, I get bothered. Sometime arrogant people dictate their will on my actions and it just chafes my ass. Most people in charge are corrupt and you have to watch out for those that push their will on others.”
You have an opinion about everything, don’t you?
“Just the things that are important to me.”
I notice your list did not include a squeeze, wife, girlfriend, or fuck buddy.
“Couldn’t do that. Women are fragile and shouldn’t be put in danger. And the sea is not a place for them.”
How old world quaint and misogynistic at the same time.
*stares silently*
At this point your reporter was tired of getting stared at so we let the interview come to an end. We managed to get a followup on Brendon from two of his companions, the dull and uninteresting Abraxas Salazar and the dull and uninteresting Lyra Adder. Abraxas was the one with the correspondingly larger pecs, Lyra was the one with correspondingly larger wrists and hands. Their interviews appeared earlier in our program. Abraxas went first.
“Brendon ees a long haired former military, skilled, likea el Rambo but from zee Primera Sangre, si? He ees like that vet who has ven a casa after a long tour, and he do not be knowing how to fit in. Obviously he can fit in the casa, just not know HOW to fit in the casa? Si?”
“Senor Agua, he has seen some things, and ees comfortable in the depths looking for peligro, but not TRYING to find it. He ees more at peace out on missions…the wilderness…dungeons than he ees in a town. Too restless. Constantly moving forward. Senor Pacifico can certainly hold his own in a fight, can stra-ha-ge-hi-tize, and ees tres skilled.”
“I doesn’t like the idea of people calling Senor, "Thief" as Senor has stated multiple times that he ees a Scout. He has el impeccable skills and manual dexterity that boggles my mind! I isn’t sure Senor isn’t a Brujah when he unlocks doors or finds and disarms traps, because of how well he is moving his hands.”
“Senor, I espects him and holds him in high regardo, being a soldado who served his time and left after fulfilling his duty. Señor Latke is a man whom peligroso is always near. But he prefers it that way. He's un hombre que thinks much and speaks quietly. Muy importante a listen when he talks, or it could mean a quick arrow, spikes, trap, or muerte malo."
After wafting through the manlove, we had a chance to find Lyra’s nervous musings.
“Brendon? Haha well he sure is hell of-a lot taller, eh? He’s your basic-run of the mill pretty solider-boys. Hair slick back, groomed facial hair when he has the ability, blue eyes? Maybe green. Once again, I have no idea. I’m not locking eyes with my adventuring party. Lean - not terribly muscular but quick as a hare in a cabbage patch! Hehe. He always has this serious look about him, I respect and understand that. I don’t know what you want from me honestly, he looks like a guy.”
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