This was the first interview with Kovid.
Hello! This is Gowan Sukiht, K’bold reporter, and coming to you today to introduce you to some of the adventurers who have recently interrupted the Blessed Corfard’s reclamation of the Murderer’s Castle in the Dawnlands. We’ve all heard the deprivations and wanton acts of unthinking cruelty they’ve done in just a single day of assault on the hard working greenskins and kobolds who toil and work selflessly to improve the lot in life for all the downtrodden races. However they have also provided some choice weaponry to our local hero, Jowass, who has offered dwarven hammer ass rides to anyone who wants for a copper coin.
Between needless violence, destruction of property, and the assault of animals and critters that is sure to draw the ire of PETA, they have made a splash in the local community by destabilizing the Faith Healer Grilljax and risking damage to his august scaly divine blessed skin.
Who are they? What are they? Who moved the rock? Given the makeup of the diverse grouping running roughshod across the lower level of Murderer’s Castle (Formerly known as Scumbag Elf Castle, formerly known as Halgafar’s Castle) we thought we’d get a chance to introduce the followers of Corfard to them. And there was no doubt to many of our Greenskin listeners, that they’d be most interested in the bearded and boorish dwarven member of the troupe: Kovid Manslayer XIX.
Hello Kovid, and thanks for meeting with us.
“I’m not sure where this is or how this is happening. Who are you? Are you Jowass? Do you have my hammer? Am I wearing pants?”
Relax, Master Rockdigger, I’ll be running the interview and questions. Just go with the fact that this is most likely occurring in your dreams and leave it at that.
“Um…ok.”
Bright mind we have here, huh?
“What?”
Never mind, point proven. So, Kovid, tell the people a bit about yourself and who you are.
“Um. Sure. I want to say, this is really weird.”
Glad to hear it. Go on. You have the stereotypical ‘dwarven’ look going for you. Give us a bit of your numbers for the more, discerning, female listeners if you don’t mind.
“Hmmph, Thor’s Balls. Sure, I’ll play along. If you need to know, I am 4’ 5” in my stocking feet.”
No metric? Do you often wander around in your socks?
“What the fuck’s a metric? Sounds like goblin mischief to me. And no, I wear boots at all times and even yes, even when I’m doing that.”
Let the audience know I am shuddering here.
“As for weight, I hover between 150 and 170 lbs. Depending on how much dwarven ale I’ve been drinking. Bwah ha ha ha!”
Wow, that is a range. So I assume by your laughter that you don’t go to meetings. And when a dwarf drinks ale, do you have to say dwarven ale?
“Rude.”
So was your mother. So, you are a drinking hard bodied bearded dwarf, huh?
“I’d say I’m stocky, not fat. I do have a bit of a gut, but it’s from the ale. Nothing else.”
Sure, whatever self actualizations you need to do in the mirror.
“As you can see, my eyes are blue, and I like to keep my blonde hair and beard groomed short.”
That’s not typical.
“Nope, but its suits me. As for skin tone, I’d say I have a medium tanned coloring.”
So an autumn then.
“What?”
Nothing. Go on. This is fascinating. Tell us what’s that you’re wearing.
“This is a fine suit of dwarven crafted platemail I’m sporting. I had the armor smith introduce a half measure of copper ingots during the annealing process to give the steel a bit of flexibility as well as the distinctive coloring that the armor sports.”
Oh how wonderful, a dwarf going on and on about smithing. Gag.
“Hmmph. I typically also carry twin war hammers…”
Not now.
“Grrr. True, but I’ll be sure to get it back tomorrow.”
Right, keep telling yourself that.
“Listen. Anyone who know me knows I am a straight shooter. I’m practical. I have a no nonsense attitude and am generally well liked and respected.”
And what’s with your opinions about Thor?
“I don’t understand.”
Well, a number of our denizens have been hearing some disturbing cries about your obsession with Thor’s nether regions.
“Never happened.”
Really? We have numerous first hand accounts about balls, taints, scrotums, and shafts.
“Seriously? To a dwarf, that is no different than a comma or a deep breath. We like to think of them as sentence enhancers. Lets the listener know that this is an important part of the conversation and we use it to express anger or surprise.”
I’m sure you won’t appear on the sex offender registry with that attitude.
“Whatever you say”
Besides our direct interview with the bearded ballbuster about himself, we were lucky enough to get the impression of Kovid from two of his travelling companions; the rude and anemic looking Lannis Offop, and the token female and unwanted player cleric, Lyra Adder.
The full interview with Lannis will take place later in our program, but here was the excerpt concerning Kovid.
“What Kovid Looks like to me? A Dwarf.”
…
“Fine, I suppose I could have more to say. One of the more tolerable members of our group. Generally clean and well-kept, easy to see over when the situation calls. I've elected not to comment on the small bald spot he has forming yet, but by the GODS I can't help but notice it.”
“Like so many of his kind he has little tan, but naturally darker skin than some. His eyes are dark like the rocks he so desires. Good head on his shoulders, although his insistence on fighting every goblin we see, and his obsession with some made up Kobold named Jowass that he claims both has his hammer, and is taunting him about it is worrying.”
“It hasn't been an issue yet, but I worry that should we find any real treasure his natural gold lust could put us in danger. Hhopefully his smaller height will help him keep a cool head, heat rises after all, and it’s cooler closer to the ground. All in all? Short, tough, hates goblins, probably loves gold and ale.”
“Like I said, What does he look like to me? A Dwarf.”
As for Lyra, once I was able to choke down the stink of essential oils and cat dander that billowed off her like a cloud, the portion of her rambling interview we were able to mine for any nuggets of rudimentary intelligence concerning Kovid followed as such.
“Kovid? Well Kovid is a dwarf, they kind of all look the same under all of that hair, don’t they? Oh Goddess, was that racist?”
“Listen I’m NOT racist. I’m just saying they all look similar, you know, like orcs. That’s not racist, I’m just stating a fact. *Sigh* He’s short, like most dwarves, obviously. Pretty well built, I think. They’re all kind of stocky - again, a fact, I’m not being racist. He’s got a big bushy beard he ties off at the end.”
“Dark hair? Brown or Blackish? Dark eyes, I don’t really spend my hours gazing into them so I’m not entirely sure. He’s got a good amount of battle scars I think. I think I’ve seen them in his arms and shoulders. Fighter scars - not surprising.”
“Maybe his nose was a bit busted too? Again, I’m not staring. I’ve heard if you stare too long at their faces they get agitated and take it as a challenge. Or maybe that’s Orcs? I... again not racist. Just stating the myth is all. He just looks like a guy.”
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