One of the things that sometimes is jarring to people who just listen into the games we play are the occasional adult and blue jokes and ribaldry that flows across the table. From big gay dungeons to countless sword jokes there is often something that comes up and makes the players laugh.
The latest meme is a deal that our druid made with his animal companion, an albino carnivorous ape that has already killed one party member and tore the arm off another. It's mate had died and the beast was lonely so when it was asked to carry the frightened wolverine down 30' of rope it balked and wanted what any red blooded male wanted - an opportunity to get laid.
Our druid informed the ape that although he could turn into an animal, it would be a male animal so there would be no recourse there. He offered to then teach the ape various ...self pleasuring techniques. But the master stroke came when the ape who had seen our mage, Thurin, practice the various polymorphing spells, asked if HE could turn into a female gorilla for him, and the druid without pause said, "Yes" without pause. And without informing the mage of his decision.
Since then we've had many jokes about this and I suspect that at some point a polymorph spell will go awry and our dangerous gorilla will get the chance to have some sweet sweet loving.
Write up follows:
Getting down the rope was fairly easy for everyone in question except for Detheron’s companion, Digger, the dire wolverine. The 140 lb wolverine had no way of traversing the 30’ drop or the rope. Detheron cast a reduce spell on Digger and then spent some time talking with King on how to bring the other animal down (knowing the carnivorous ape would be able to climb without issue).
Then the conversation turned into some strange discussion where King was lonely since his mate, Kong, had died and he wanted a female gorilla companion. Would Detheron be willing to transform into a female gorilla? The druid said that he transforms yes, but not into a different sex. Then there was some pointing to Thurin, the transmuter mage making no secret of his ability to polymorph himself when need be. King wanted to know, if he risked bringing Digger down, would Detheron get Thurin to transform into a female ape for him?
Without hesitation, or even explaining it to anyone else in the group, Detheron heartily agreed.
Satisfied now, King picked up the reduced Digger and the two of them went down the rope to the floor of the cavern, the druid shaking his head and wondering how he was going to explain this deal…and even if he should explain this deal.
Once down here, Detheron cast Log of Everburning on a pair of torches and between Mebali and himself, we had enough light to see clearly. Norris volunteered to explore the 4 passage choices, Havic going with him. The two westernmost ones that went north and south only travelled about 40 feet before coming to an end. Each one ended at a blank wall but we did learn that some time in the long ago past, they were trapped (spear traps) and the traps had gone off.
As for the two easternmost ones, the entire complex was at a slight angle running north east, so the water running into the place from the hole above due to the rain ran in that direction and after 20 paces or so, we noted it began to pool up, about 2-3 inches of the foul water covered the ground. Looking down there, the corridor turned to the right but even at the limit of our torch range the passage continued and it continued to deepen.
This left the southern passage so we lined up into marching order, taking care of the 7’ ceiling, and walked on with care. At the end there was an archway on the left, most likely at one point a wooden door was there, and the passage did turn to the right. Norris volunteered to check it out. It was when he was looking to the passage that something burst from the dark archway and drove him to the ground.
He screamed as whatever it was shoved its head into his back and began to SUCK blood straight out of him. Giant tick. Huge. About the size of a small pony and weighing well over 60#. We tried to drive it off, but most of our weapons just bounced off its thick carapace, before it disengaged itself from Norris and screaming shrilly, jumped back into the dark of the archway.
As for Norris, he was shivering, sick, pale, and staggering – and to both Detheron and Ludwig, it was obvious he was infected with the plague. And infected as if it had incubated within him for almost 3 days unchecked!! We did not see the tick in the next room and we dragged him in there where Detheron spent some time binding his wound as well as asking Frey to remove the disease affecting him.
A quick look at the room, it was some sort of gathering and it was filled with bones, well over 60 skeletal remains of dwarves, dwarves that had died over 1200 years ago, died from the plague. We did notice blood smears in three places: roughly even with the portal we entered, near the south end of the room by another passage, and near the north end of the room, by a third passage. Also there were 2 other doors on the right hand side of the chamber.
While we were clutching weapons and trying to get a bead on the tick and any other issues around, we did hear a shrill warbling scream from the north, followed by some splashing. The tick had gone north.
After 10 minutes of guarding every portal and the tick not returning we took better stock of the place and our choice. The two closed doors on the right were stone, heavy, unlocked but stuck, and we heard nothing on the other side of them. The portal to the south opened to a short hall with a door on one side and another portal on the other. And finally the archway to the north did open to a short hall and then some larger room, most likely a kitchen.
There was treasure scattered about the room, but a fast Detect Magic revealed three items, a set of silver spectacles, a craftsman’s hammer, and an iron rod like a truncheon. We spent some time deciphering what they could be establishing that the spectacles would aid in reading, the hammer in some sort of blacksmithing, and the rod was some sort of magical truncheon with a button that when pressed caused the next hit to be VERY impactful.
And according to Gwyn, to his infravision the kitchen room was a good 15 degrees warmer than the room we were in. We decided that since the tick went this way, we should check it out. Carefully we approached the room: table, counter, old oven, stone cabinets, some chairs. And it was warmer. Was it the over? Not too sure. A fast Detect magic spell was fired off and something magical was glowing from within the cabinet. Nice.
And the cabinet opened a short 3’ tall lizard looking figure with vestigial wings came out holding a helm that was glowing with a detect magic spell on it and began gibbering in some sibilant infernal tongue. No one knew what he was saying and then 4 others came out. Havic beheld the helm and knew it to be Kysoth’s Helm. It took him a moment to rage and then the barbarian stormed forward, spear out and at the ready and he flung one of the little men away, barreling him into the table and chairs.
The creatures all burst into flames and then they charged around Havic, one of them racing towards Gwyn. They scratched and swung and bit, but didn’t do any real damage to the group. And then Detheron called to Frey and unleashed a Quench spell on the group of them, dousing their flames and killing them in the process. The battle was over before it began.
We looked over the cabinets, it was a nest of some sort for the demonic figures and we took a smattering of gold ingots and a few other stones before going back to the other chamber.
From here we opted to go to the south passage and check out the door on the right, noting that it was partially open. Norris carefully explored it and saw it was a blank wall beyond the door with a spear trap already fired off some time ago. The spear head was silvered steel so we took that with us and moved on.
The other choice to the south was a larger chamber with another door out of it, and was at one time used for pottery or ceramic. A large kiln was still here and there were shards on the floor but nothing else of value. There was also another passage out of here on the north wall which we verified met up with the other corridor we had originally came down.
The door on the south east end of the room was looked over, declared to be untrapped and unlocked. But it refused to open after being unused for 1200 years. Gwyn and Havic spent a few minutes bashing their shoulders against it until it opened. A short corridor ended at another door further down. However, Detheron’s warning spell against snares and pits was blaring at him and the druid made everyone stop as he pointed out (to his eyes) what was an obvious pit trap.
It was closed, stone lidded, and most likely according to Norris’ observation be triggered on 50 lbs or so of weight upon it. However, about halfway across, there was a locking point where the two sides of the lid meet up and with a bit of luck, a skilled engineer could force the pit locked with a spike and hammer. So our bard crawled across, rope at his waist, braced against the wall and keeping his weight back and well distributed and disarmed the pit. Well done Norris!
We travelled across the surface (no issue anymore) until we came to the door. Again it was closed and stuck and Gwyn and Havic did their dwarven run and bash at it, forcing it open. This revealed a smallish chamber with 5 very dry papery skinned wrapped dwarven bodies in here as well as two other doors on the other side of the chamber. What were they? Sir Guyus, our paladin, informed us that two of the bodies were decidedly evil – which we took to mean undead.
Guyus, Havic, Norris, and Gwyn were in there, getting ready to hack off the dwarven skulls when the stood up and attacked. A hit was blasted against Havic and the dwarf howled in agony as the undead not only hurt him, but also sucked live force and energy from him! Damn it – wights! Quickly the party tried to run back and make room, no one being eager to do battle with the debilitating undead. Sir Guyus felt safe as the undead would be hard pressed to touch him but Havic was struggling to keep his back with the end of his boar spear.
Norris kept moving backwards through the party, allowing the rest of the group to step forward. Detheron called to Frey and a flaming Sphere appeared, just missing Sir Guyus but easily hitting the wight. Thurin crept in and made his way to the corner of the chamber.
And then something big, black, and screaming shrilly barreled into the back of the party, just missing Norris and sinking its head into the dire wolverine, Digger. The damned giant tick was back. We fought both sides of the battle line now, two wights at the front, one of them already going down from a smiting of evil. The tick infected Digger with the plague and drew out a thick quaffing of blood. Digger let go a blast of his blinding musk, making Detheron, the tick, and Norris sick – while blinding King. The ape grew nervous and swung out wildly, hitting Detheron a few times before relaxing.
As for the tick we hit it a few times (including the use of contact poison!), Norris actually grabbing one of the legs, but it jumped away, leaving its prickly chitonous appendage back in the bard’s hands. The last wight went down and the battle ended. More healing and curing was done.
We bandaged wounds and passed out what cures we could, eventually just relaxing a bit longer. We ate lunch and then drew ourselves back into marching order. Of the two doors in here, we forced the northern one open first finding nothing but a small closet. So we instead opened the other door and there was a hall that went some distance and then turned north. We carefully went, keeping care of where we were going, listening all along.
At the turn, the passage went north, a side branch about half way down to the left and at the end of the passage was another left turn. We went to the first passage and looked, 10 paces to a closed and locked door. Norris broke out his lock picks and spent a few minutes on the door, eventually opening the lock. We opened up, and it was what would have been the thane’s private chamber. Bed, chest, drawers, mosaics on the wall. We did confirm that the mosaic on the wall showed the helm, shield, and bludgeon – the helm of which matched the one on Havic’s head.
From here we followed the original passage out and kept going, eventually getting to the last left turn and walking down with care. The passage had a door on the right hand side about half way down, and there was another door at the end – which Detheron and Norris surmised went back to the original room that we had faced the tick in. So it was this rightmost door that we forced opened and looking in and around.
This was at one point a barracks, sleeping chamber. It had been sealed up so although it was in ruin, there was still enough organic material in here to give us a sense of what was here before. Two other doors in here, one on the far eastern wall, the other on the closer western one. And the eastern door was partially ajar.
Norris went to check it out. Nothing special. Did we want to open it? No…no we didn’t. So he closed it. And when he walked away, it opened again on its own. Alright, not cool. So Norris leaned his weight against it while the rest of the group gave the room a fast once over.
It was towards the end of our search that Norris noted the door “bumped” him from behind. Bumped? Something pushed slightly from the other side. Quickly we drew up into battle formation and got ready. And then Norris swept the door opened and two wights, dead dwarves, came in. We struck a few quick blows but it was Ludwig who called to Freya, asking for the power to send these undead spawn away that turned the tide and the two wights fled back the way they came.